Douchebag Magnetism 101 is back in Session!
Summertime: Peak season for a familiar feeling called remorse.
But before we get to those, here are a few of the latest encounters:
1. The Flakey Douche
Constant irritation? Flakeyness? Head & Shoulders won't do the trick here. A call from the girlfriend he forgot to mention just might.
Wants to meet at odd hours (2AM-6AM)? Every time? Not only are you his booty call, you are the other woman.
2. "I want us to be Friends" Douche
Will not settle for less than fucking you and fucking you up, every time.
Instead of being fucked and later fucked over or just fucked up, just tell him to fuck off. Oops, is the word "off" allowed in a blog?
3. The Easter Douche
Note: Refer to Madouchian, as they are related.
He disappears, due to unknown reasons, and then comes back from the dead.
Are you religious? If not, don't believe in resurrection as it's kind of difficult - scientifically speaking. If you are religious, shouldn't a dude called Jesus be the only one allowed to come back from the dead?
4. Hokey Pokey Douche
Stop Poking me on FB you idiot.
Enough said.
5. MacGydouche
MacGyver: Inventive use of common items.
McGydouche: Inventive use of common excuses.
On a 3 hour excursion to buy milk:
-"Baby! You are not gonna believe what happened on my way to the grocery store!"
-Oh, I'm sure I'm not.
Just a few more reasons why your canceled trip to Cancun is a blessing in disguise.
Peace & Love,
Jess & Joey
© 2009. Chic, Broke & Confused. All Rights Reserved.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
What now, Facebook?
Facebook you are The Douchebag of the Week.
You seduced us like no one ever has. You were so promising.
It took us a while to get used to you, but in no time you made us feel comfortable enough to start writing stupid & very public messages on peoples walls. After that came the pictures. We were so naive. We uploaded years of bad decisions and hair cuts.
College, remember that?
You were so caring. Wanting everyone to stay in touch.
Until you dropped a bomb.
We weren't enough.
You opened yourself up to the entire world.
You have a friend request from you mother. From your boss.
Really?
We love our moms to death, but hey, they sent us to college to study. Instead, we look like we were on a 4 year spring break program.
Major in drinking with a minor in table dancing.
And as for our bosses, now they can see why we didn't come in that Monday morning.
High five Facebook. Now what? Will you start to suggest we become friends with people we don't know or don't want to become friends with? Oh wait, you are already doing that!
What about those advertisements you put in our profiles?
We don't wanna take part in an internet weight contest, we don't need therapy, we are not moms...
If you are gonna target us, make sure you do it right.
P.S. Apple does not make a pink Macbook Air. So stop it.
You are a sell out. Money is all you think about.
Here we were, innocently trying to keep in touch with our friends while you figured out ways to own us.
Now, you have everyone by the balls.
We can't live without you, you are like a drug. The most damaging relationship that we've ever had. There's nothing worse than being tricked into a douchebag's plot.
We can't wait to figure out a way to break up with you.
Oh yeah, just because you failed at buying Twitter, doesn't mean you need to copy it, Asshole.
Peace & Love,
Jess & Joey
© 2009. Chic, Broke & Confused. All Rights Reserved.
You seduced us like no one ever has. You were so promising.
It took us a while to get used to you, but in no time you made us feel comfortable enough to start writing stupid & very public messages on peoples walls. After that came the pictures. We were so naive. We uploaded years of bad decisions and hair cuts.
College, remember that?
You were so caring. Wanting everyone to stay in touch.
Until you dropped a bomb.
We weren't enough.
You opened yourself up to the entire world.
You have a friend request from you mother. From your boss.
Really?
We love our moms to death, but hey, they sent us to college to study. Instead, we look like we were on a 4 year spring break program.
Major in drinking with a minor in table dancing.
And as for our bosses, now they can see why we didn't come in that Monday morning.
High five Facebook. Now what? Will you start to suggest we become friends with people we don't know or don't want to become friends with? Oh wait, you are already doing that!
What about those advertisements you put in our profiles?
We don't wanna take part in an internet weight contest, we don't need therapy, we are not moms...
If you are gonna target us, make sure you do it right.
P.S. Apple does not make a pink Macbook Air. So stop it.
You are a sell out. Money is all you think about.
Here we were, innocently trying to keep in touch with our friends while you figured out ways to own us.
Now, you have everyone by the balls.
We can't live without you, you are like a drug. The most damaging relationship that we've ever had. There's nothing worse than being tricked into a douchebag's plot.
We can't wait to figure out a way to break up with you.
Oh yeah, just because you failed at buying Twitter, doesn't mean you need to copy it, Asshole.
Peace & Love,
Jess & Joey
© 2009. Chic, Broke & Confused. All Rights Reserved.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Douchebag Magnetism 101: Session 3
Tonight, thousands of Douchebags are on their way to prey on innocent women. Be prepared.
Here is another round of the typical douchebags that you may encounter in your favorite bar/pub/nightclub.
1. The Gun Kisser Douche (aka the Gotti Douche): Everything he touches turns into gold (residue from the spray tan he got earlier today), he's been lifting weights since he was two years old, and you are more likely to have your eye poked out by his hair than get into a car accident.
Step away from the Jagerbomb! Unless you want to date him and his 14 bro's, whom you can't tell apart.
2. The Wannabe Madouchian: Uh, I can see you there. Your nose and asshole colored aura are kind of hard to miss.
Although you regret it, you went out with this a-hole before. Now he refuses to acknowledge your existence and when he spots you, chooses to hide behind something (usually his douchebag posse). Run towards him, tap him on the shoulder and say "you're it".
3. The Douchebag Ex: He's reminiscing about your [sexual] past while his new girlfriend gets him a drink or is not present at the moment.
You should consider being friends with him now. Haha. Just kidding. Chances are that if you dumped him for being a douchebag he might still be a douchebag. Maybe even a bigger one. People change. Douchebags don't.
4. Tall Tale Douche: Goes out of his way to impress you... with his rather obvious fake stories.
Impress him with a fake story of your own. "Yes, I once murdered a man because I found out he was lying to me! I bet you're different though!"
Happy Friday. Say NO to Douchebags!
Peace & Love,
Jess & Joey
© 2009. Chic, Broke & Confused. All Rights Reserved.
Here is another round of the typical douchebags that you may encounter in your favorite bar/pub/nightclub.
1. The Gun Kisser Douche (aka the Gotti Douche): Everything he touches turns into gold (residue from the spray tan he got earlier today), he's been lifting weights since he was two years old, and you are more likely to have your eye poked out by his hair than get into a car accident.
Step away from the Jagerbomb! Unless you want to date him and his 14 bro's, whom you can't tell apart.
2. The Wannabe Madouchian: Uh, I can see you there. Your nose and asshole colored aura are kind of hard to miss.
Although you regret it, you went out with this a-hole before. Now he refuses to acknowledge your existence and when he spots you, chooses to hide behind something (usually his douchebag posse). Run towards him, tap him on the shoulder and say "you're it".
3. The Douchebag Ex: He's reminiscing about your [sexual] past while his new girlfriend gets him a drink or is not present at the moment.
You should consider being friends with him now. Haha. Just kidding. Chances are that if you dumped him for being a douchebag he might still be a douchebag. Maybe even a bigger one. People change. Douchebags don't.
4. Tall Tale Douche: Goes out of his way to impress you... with his rather obvious fake stories.
Impress him with a fake story of your own. "Yes, I once murdered a man because I found out he was lying to me! I bet you're different though!"
Happy Friday. Say NO to Douchebags!
Peace & Love,
Jess & Joey
© 2009. Chic, Broke & Confused. All Rights Reserved.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
And we're back.
In honor of our disappearance for a week with no signs of life, we are talking about The Madouchian today.
What can we say, we were busy. We really were though. One of us was graduating while the other one was off interviewing.
So let's be honest, busy happens.
Life comes in bursts.
We missed you. We're sorry.
Let's call this the week of the come back.
What does that mean?
Besides the fact that we are back,
The Madouchian is as well, and he's out to get you. Remember him? That guy you were seeing and then...(feel free to insert preferred mode of disappearance here).
But wait, he's texting again after a week!!! (Yeah, THAT guy)
He wants to see you, and well...let's just say it hasn't been your best week.
Needless to say, you are bound to go straight for the...cheese.
Beware. If you really want it, make sure he does to.
You don't want to devote another couple of weeks thinking
he died and having to spend yet another round of countless hours reading over the obituaries just to make sure he didn't expire. Well, here's one thing that should expire: his disappearing act.
Now that you know he is alive and kicking you better button those pants and make sure that underneath them you are sporting your can't touch me underwear.
If that's not enough to keep you in a "safe haven" then go buy a cage, lock yourself in it and swallow the key. If that's too extreme, then just stay away.
The Madouchians come and go... and come back, just to leave again.
Each time with more pyrotechnics and special effects than the one before.
Don't go ahead and pay triple for a one-way ticket to a crappy show.
Ask yourself: "would I ever see a David Copperfield show more than once?". If your answer is no, then walk away. If your answer is yes well then brace yourself for fireworks and smoke because this one won't even come back after the curtain call.
Peace & Love,
Jess & Joey
© 2009. Chic, Broke & Confused. All Rights Reserved.
What can we say, we were busy. We really were though. One of us was graduating while the other one was off interviewing.
So let's be honest, busy happens.
Life comes in bursts.
We missed you. We're sorry.
Let's call this the week of the come back.
What does that mean?
Besides the fact that we are back,
The Madouchian is as well, and he's out to get you. Remember him? That guy you were seeing and then...(feel free to insert preferred mode of disappearance here).
But wait, he's texting again after a week!!! (Yeah, THAT guy)
He wants to see you, and well...let's just say it hasn't been your best week.
Needless to say, you are bound to go straight for the...cheese.
Beware. If you really want it, make sure he does to.
You don't want to devote another couple of weeks thinking
he died and having to spend yet another round of countless hours reading over the obituaries just to make sure he didn't expire. Well, here's one thing that should expire: his disappearing act.
Now that you know he is alive and kicking you better button those pants and make sure that underneath them you are sporting your can't touch me underwear.
If that's not enough to keep you in a "safe haven" then go buy a cage, lock yourself in it and swallow the key. If that's too extreme, then just stay away.
The Madouchians come and go... and come back, just to leave again.
Each time with more pyrotechnics and special effects than the one before.
Don't go ahead and pay triple for a one-way ticket to a crappy show.
Ask yourself: "would I ever see a David Copperfield show more than once?". If your answer is no, then walk away. If your answer is yes well then brace yourself for fireworks and smoke because this one won't even come back after the curtain call.
Peace & Love,
Jess & Joey
© 2009. Chic, Broke & Confused. All Rights Reserved.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
That's What He Said
We’ve been there. Waiting for that phone to ring with his call. He said he’d call Saturday night but he didn’t. Now comes the best part, a week later: the excuse! God forbid he ever says the truth: he didn’t call because he didn’t want to. Now he’s calling you because Britney wasn’t available this weekend. And we end up buying his lame excuse.
Well, no more! Unless it’s a good excuse, don’t insult our intelligence. You shouldn’t expect us to believe that your dog chewed your iPhone and were unable to replace it for 10 days.
A few excuses we’ve uncovered:
1. My phone’s battery was dead
Don't expect us to believe you didn't charge your phone's battery for an entire week. It's not like we're in 1992 and you have Zach Morris' Motorola DynaTAC 8000X that costs $2/minute.
2. Had to manage an emergency. Can’t really talk about it.
Whoa! Is it really necessary the 5th grade game of “I have a secret, but I can’t tell you?” If he had a real emergency, then he should say it and tell you he’ll call later. Spare us the details. Shit happens all the time and hope your emergency gets sorted out quickly. Lying about that, however, would just probably mean that he did have an emergency: banging that blonde.
3. Had to lend my phone to Justin’s roommate and he just left it at the bar… never to be seen again
Oh, ok. That makes sense. Give me a few minutes to call you back. I’ll call as soon as my cat finishes TwitterBerry-ing THE_REAL_SHAQ.
4. Fell asleep and woke up at 11:30pm. Didn’t want to wake you.
Oh, I love you. Oops, did I just say that after a few days? It’s just that you were so considerate, and I love that. You remind me of how old I am. I forgot I’m 65 and go to sleep right after Wheel of Fortune.
5. I was too busy with… that project I told you.
He didn’t have 5 minutes to call you and say he was busy and that he’d call later. We guarantee he was busy… with that secretary from the 10th floor.
That’s what he said!
Have a good laugh with these excuses. Maybe he really was busy and forgot to call. The difference is that as soon as he can, he will call you. This will occur in less than a week.
Don’t sit around waiting for a douchebag’s phone call!
© 2009. Chic, Broke & Confused. All Rights Reserved.
Well, no more! Unless it’s a good excuse, don’t insult our intelligence. You shouldn’t expect us to believe that your dog chewed your iPhone and were unable to replace it for 10 days.
A few excuses we’ve uncovered:
1. My phone’s battery was dead
Don't expect us to believe you didn't charge your phone's battery for an entire week. It's not like we're in 1992 and you have Zach Morris' Motorola DynaTAC 8000X that costs $2/minute.
2. Had to manage an emergency. Can’t really talk about it.
Whoa! Is it really necessary the 5th grade game of “I have a secret, but I can’t tell you?” If he had a real emergency, then he should say it and tell you he’ll call later. Spare us the details. Shit happens all the time and hope your emergency gets sorted out quickly. Lying about that, however, would just probably mean that he did have an emergency: banging that blonde.
3. Had to lend my phone to Justin’s roommate and he just left it at the bar… never to be seen again
Oh, ok. That makes sense. Give me a few minutes to call you back. I’ll call as soon as my cat finishes TwitterBerry-ing THE_REAL_SHAQ.
4. Fell asleep and woke up at 11:30pm. Didn’t want to wake you.
Oh, I love you. Oops, did I just say that after a few days? It’s just that you were so considerate, and I love that. You remind me of how old I am. I forgot I’m 65 and go to sleep right after Wheel of Fortune.
5. I was too busy with… that project I told you.
He didn’t have 5 minutes to call you and say he was busy and that he’d call later. We guarantee he was busy… with that secretary from the 10th floor.
That’s what he said!
Have a good laugh with these excuses. Maybe he really was busy and forgot to call. The difference is that as soon as he can, he will call you. This will occur in less than a week.
Don’t sit around waiting for a douchebag’s phone call!
Peace & Love,
Jess & Joey
© 2009. Chic, Broke & Confused. All Rights Reserved.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Douchebag Magnetism 101: Session 2
Welcome to our second session of Douchebag Magnetism 101.
Last week we learned the key topic for DBM 101: Education Through Classification. The following douchebags are most likely to be encountered during those first few weeks of dating.
1. Investment Bankouche: he sure loves talking... about money.
Hold it right there! Money came up on the first date? He is probably (for sure) lacking in other departments. Thank him for the fancy foie gras and scallops dinner, and walk away.
2. The Madouchian: now you see him and... abracadabra, now he's gone!
Just beware that once he comes back, because he will, you are the one to have pulled the magic act of disappearing for good. (refer to Houdini)
3. The LOL Douche: incapable of making a phone call and spelling out actual words. "What r u doin' 2nite? lol" (Received at 3:14am). Everything is via text... even the indecent proposals.
Text him back saying: "OMG, I'll totally poke the hell outta u if u text me again @3am, lol" And ask him what part of "what are you doing tonight" is so funny he is laughing out loud.
Sharing is caring!
One of you, who has preferred to be left anonymous, has found and named another type of Douchebag:
4. The Dumb Douche: A Guy who hates Douches but doesn't have the balls to ask out the pretty girl, hence making him the Dumb Douche.
Get you act together and ask the girl out. You didn't have her before, so you won't miss her if she says no.
E-mail us your Douchebag encounters and we'll classify them for you!
Just remember: Say NO to Douchebags!
See you next next week!
Peace & Love,
Jess & Joey
© 2009. Chic, Broke & Confused. All Rights Reserved.
Last week we learned the key topic for DBM 101: Education Through Classification. The following douchebags are most likely to be encountered during those first few weeks of dating.
1. Investment Bankouche: he sure loves talking... about money.
Hold it right there! Money came up on the first date? He is probably (for sure) lacking in other departments. Thank him for the fancy foie gras and scallops dinner, and walk away.
2. The Madouchian: now you see him and... abracadabra, now he's gone!
Just beware that once he comes back, because he will, you are the one to have pulled the magic act of disappearing for good. (refer to Houdini)
3. The LOL Douche: incapable of making a phone call and spelling out actual words. "What r u doin' 2nite? lol" (Received at 3:14am). Everything is via text... even the indecent proposals.
Text him back saying: "OMG, I'll totally poke the hell outta u if u text me again @3am, lol" And ask him what part of "what are you doing tonight" is so funny he is laughing out loud.
Sharing is caring!
One of you, who has preferred to be left anonymous, has found and named another type of Douchebag:
4. The Dumb Douche: A Guy who hates Douches but doesn't have the balls to ask out the pretty girl, hence making him the Dumb Douche.
Get you act together and ask the girl out. You didn't have her before, so you won't miss her if she says no.
E-mail us your Douchebag encounters and we'll classify them for you!
Just remember: Say NO to Douchebags!
See you next next week!
Peace & Love,
Jess & Joey
© 2009. Chic, Broke & Confused. All Rights Reserved.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Roses & Limos are having the worse week ever.
Forget being scared of the IRS. If a limo ever parks in front of our house, we're running out the backdoor.
Why? Because it can only mean one thing.
Rejection.
The walk-o-shame has been upgraded to the lim-o-shame.
If you take the 4 hour season finale of The Bachelor XXV and condense it into one sentence, here is what happened:
A man changed his mind. (Cue: America freak out!)
In keeping with THE BIGGEST SHOCKER IN BACHELOR FINALE HISTORY theme, we're throwing a curve ball ourselves.
We retract our nomination for Jason Mesnick as the Biggest Douchebag of the Week.
Instead, we nominate ABC.
ABC you are the Biggest Douchebag of the Week.
You and your dirty rating stunts.
In other news, Wheel of Fortune has reached its 5,000 episode milestone. Proof that you can achieve success by staying classy.
© 2009. Chic, Broke & Confused. All Rights Reserved.
Why? Because it can only mean one thing.
Rejection.
The walk-o-shame has been upgraded to the lim-o-shame.
If you take the 4 hour season finale of The Bachelor XXV and condense it into one sentence, here is what happened:
A man changed his mind. (Cue: America freak out!)
In keeping with THE BIGGEST SHOCKER IN BACHELOR FINALE HISTORY theme, we're throwing a curve ball ourselves.
We retract our nomination for Jason Mesnick as the Biggest Douchebag of the Week.
Instead, we nominate ABC.
ABC you are the Biggest Douchebag of the Week.
You and your dirty rating stunts.
In other news, Wheel of Fortune has reached its 5,000 episode milestone. Proof that you can achieve success by staying classy.
© 2009. Chic, Broke & Confused. All Rights Reserved.
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